I can't believe it's vegan?!

Today, I'm a little ill, so instead of making food, I'll be reviewing it.

God, it's days like this, that made me wish I had a personal chef.

ANYHOW!
first on the roster!

Nestle Nesquick Syrup
(flavors including: Chocolate, Strawberry and Very Vanilla)

This one was actually a suprise. I don't eat much chocolates/sweets, because i'm a bitter old man.

(pretty good lookin' too...)

Anyhow. I can't really tell you how good it is, but I just want you to imagine throwing this stuff into your boring old Silk. Or hell, my favorite, Almond Dream. I wouldn't advise though, on the Very Vanilla, because I mean, let's be for real. Silk's Vanilla soy is so Vanilla-ish, it can be a bad thing, at times.

(if you want to know a way to my heart, it would be through a carton of Almond Dream, ladies.)

Campbell’s canned mushroom gravy

Now, I know you're saying, "But Danny, this stuff is kind of gross... sort of?" Well, sir, I have one thing to say to you.

 

Some good ol'fashioned family favorites right there. (way number two to my heart). Also, let's not forget what a great topping that would be on some biscuits?

Betty Crocker Bisquick

 

 Oh, Betty, you dirty girl. She knew, that I couldn't live without it, from time to time. Not to mention the abilities this stuff has. The places you will go! (this is really what Shel Silverstein was talking about kids).  You can make some gnarly biscuits with that! Think about it. I know, me too.

Nabisco Teddy Grahams (Chocolate and Cinnamon)

 Now, I know we all know Oreos are vegan. Who doesn't have that one vegetarian friend at the grocer every time you're there say, "Dude, did you know oreos are vegan?" fucking asshole. That's like the guy at the party who gives you that damn fact about Greenland being icey, and Iceland being greeny. No one likes vikings. Asshole.

Always looking fine, and taking his shirt off too, damn it.

Also, a bit of a disclaimer. I don't really recommend eating these on the daily because, kids, it's important to remember:

EVEN THOUGH IT'S VEGAN DOESN'T MEAN IT'S GOOD FOR YOU.

thanks. Now, I'm going to bed, and blowing my nose (not in that order..) 

Also, Food blog represent.

While you're here, check out a friend of mines food blog. She's way more bad ass than I, and is more than likely a better cook, but we're near each other, so I'd better rep.

http://gutinstinctzine.blogspot.com/

Christmas Tree Tea

Disclaimer: please for the love of God do not use a real christmas tree for this one.

This is a simple one. Go out, grab yourself a few rips from a pine tree. A healthy one, because you don't want bugs or the devil in your tea. Go home, put it in a kettle and heat the water a it. You don't necessarily want to boil the water, as that could loosen the pines, and then it turns into a death threat.  Strain and pour.

Mind you, this is really a bare essentials I-have-nothing-to-my-name tea. It's really good if you're cold and want something to do when you have nothing. Plus, you get to feel like a bad ass. Look at you, picking trees and making tea. How many of your friends get to do that? That's right. Pat yourself on the back.

Now, I like to think of this tea as the Transformer of all teas.

Customization. Let's do it.

Hip cool kid - way: throw some pine nuts in the bottom of your glass, and sip away (it's ok to eat the pine nuts afterwards, I always do.)

I don't like it Piny - way: Put some honey in it. maybe some orange or lemon zest.

I can't be sober right now, trust me - way:  Add a shot or two of gin in that bad boy, and go to town!

I need to feel pretty - way: Rose hips/Hibiscus hips. It gives it a nice flowery tang to it.


that's all for now. enjoy your tea.

(vegan)Buckwheat Soba Noodles with a nice spicy Nut sauce.

(acid washed jeans are not a requirement, though the make it better. Trust me.)

Let's start things off right. I don't have any way to access the process of cooking, but i can more than likely show you the final product.

The name of this thing is absolutely god awful, and I'm totally open to suggestions. As a vegetarian my mother has never really endorsed my not eating meat. That is, to say, until recently. Now, she just pesters me about getting protein. A lot. So for lunch today, I made this. to shut her up.

and it's vegan, so that just makes it better.

Ingredients:

Buckwheat Soba Noodles (the kind made with yams.) The best company to go for on this one is Yamimori. They outsource to places like Giant Eagle, making it super easy to find.
Soy Sauce*
Sriracha Hot Sauce (definitely stick to this one. No other is good enough.)*
Peanut Butter (your choice)
Pistachios, preferably shelled. No one wants to have to go through with this and shell their pistachios. I did. And trust me, it's a delectable hell.*
Peanuts unsalted*
Cane Sugar (you'll only need but a pinch)
Salt*

*-amount to taste

Now that we have the formalities out of the way, onto the actual process.

Cook the noodles like you would cook any kind of soba. But, while it's boiling, add a dash of salt, soy sauce and sugar. That's the secret of cooking those sobas. Bring out the yam and buckwheat!

While that's cooking, throw some Extra Virgin Olive Oil (sorry kids, I refuse to write EVOO) into a wok and turn it on medium. Throw in about three tablespoons of peanut butter and a tablespoon of soy and let that warm up. You should keep an eye on it, as you don't want it to burn.

Put your pistachios and peanuts on a cutting board, or just on the counter, if you hate your mother. Take the biggest knife ya' got (cause you are a bad ass) and cut those bad boys up. The chunkiness is entirely up to you. I prefer small chunks because my teeth are week, from years of eating.

Back to the sauce. Throw the nuts into the sauce and stir. Here's where the Sriracha comes in. Throw some in, stir and taste, and if it's not hot enough, throw more in. I've learned the more Sriracha you put in your food, the more bad ass you are. and trust me, i know.
Once that heats up just nicely, your noodles should be done. Then, just mix and eat. it should come out tasty as hell. Let me know how it goes, and how manly you do become.